


All The Love I Have to Give

by hayleynicole93



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Character Death, Denial, Denial of Feelings, Engagement, Jealousy, Love, Miscarriage, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 08:48:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20486120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hayleynicole93/pseuds/hayleynicole93
Summary: After Clarke's world takes a dramatic turn, she takes almost a year to recover from her losses. She looks to friends to help mend the pieces of her broken heart.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time doing anything like this, so please leave comments on things you love or things I could improve on! First chapter is short, others will be longer!

Chapter One 

ONE YEAR AGO - DECEMBER 14th  
Clarke turned the key for her apartment and opened the door. A familiar aroma of her favorite meal drifted out into the hallway; a grin spread across her face. It was her birthday and Roan never failed to whip up his famous lasagna for her and have it ready when she got off work for the last 5 years. She shut the door behind her opening her view up to the kitchen. Roan’s back was to her but she noticed his head bobbing to the music playing. She hung her coat and purse up. When she turned back to face him, he was staring at her with a huge smile on his face, pouring her a glass of red wine.  
“Happy Birthday, beautiful.” He said.  
Clarke blushed. Even after all this time together he still had the ability to make her go weak at the knees, butterflies in her belly, and cheeks flushed.  
“Thank you, love.” She replied as she sat at the barstool. He carefully slid the wine glass over to her.  
“Dinner should be done in 20,” he said glancing over at the clock, “how was work?” He took a swig of his drink. Bourbon on the rocks, his go to.  
“It was good. My mom was on call and had to come in for an emergency thoracotomy. Luckily, she was asleep in an on-call room or else he wouldn’t have made it. The rest of the day was pretty slow though.” She tapped her fingers on the counter looking into her crimson drink. Roan cocked his head to the side, he could tell something was wrong but figured she wouldn’t admit it. She could be closed off at times, even with him. Over the years he learned to live with it.  
“Well, I was thinking after we’re done eating we could go meet up with Raven and all them for drinks?” He asked. He started grabbing the salad mix from the refrigerator.  
“I’m pregnant.” Roan didn’t move for a moment before turning with a smile on his face.  
“Really?” His voice cracked. Clarke knew he wouldn’t be mad, maybe disappointed, but never mad. Although, Roan had a hard exterior he was hands down the most gentle and wonderful man she had ever met. They rarely fought except over stupid little things like how he never shut the cupboards all the way or how he forgets to turn lights off. Or the way she could never decide what she wanted to eat and how she always had multiple unfinished water bottles on her nightstand.  
He shut the fridge door and walked to the other side of the island where she was sitting, wrapping her up into one of his bear hugs that always made her world feel safer in an instant. She immediately burst into a fit of tears, letting out all of her worry into his chest. He lifted her chin up so their eyes would meet.  
“I love you, Clarke. This is a good thing, a really good thing.” He kneeled down and pulled a box from his pocket. “I didn’t imagine I would be doing this under these circumstances. I had something a little bit more romantic planned for this evening. But, I want you to know how serious I am about you and about this relationship.” He said as he swallowed back tears. “I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. And I can’t imagine anyone else being my wife or the mother of my children.” Opening the box, he revealed a beautiful solitaire engagement ring. “Will you marry me, Clarke Griffin?” 

Clarke let out another sob followed by a resounding yes. With both hands on either side of his face she kissed him as butterflies returned to her stomach like they did every single time.  
They spent the rest of the evening eating, discussing baby names, and making love. It was the best day of Clarke’s life. One she will never forget. 

TODAY 

A blaring alarm goes off. Clarke groaned and rolled over slamming her hand all around her nightstand searching for her phone to silence it. When she finally turned it off, she plopped onto her back, staring at the ceiling. With her right hand she twirled her engagement ring around her finger before pulling it off and putting it into her drawer.  
“Clarke, honey?!” Raven called from the kitchen. “You awake?” She heard her apartment door shut.  
“Unfortunately!” She calls back.  
Raven barreled through the bedroom door jumping on the bed next to Clarke.  
“Happy Birthday!!”  
“Yippee.” Pulling the covers over her head she turned on her side facing away from Raven. Raven hugs her friend from behind.  
“You know I can’t let you stay in bed all day on your birthday like I’ve been letting you do for 7 months. He wouldn’t want that life for you.” She said.  
Tears welled up in Clarke’s eyes. She’s right, but Clarke would never tell her that. In fact, Raven had pretty much been saying everything her therapist had been telling her. Stop wearing his shirt to bed. Stop watching his favorite movies on repeat. Stop wearing the engagement ring at night. Go out with your friends more often. Wash your hair. Well, her therapist didn’t tell her to wash her hair, but I’m sure she was thinking it.  
“We are going out tonight. Even if I have to drag you out of the bed, shower you, dress you and carry you into the bar. Plus, I got you something and it would be rude not to accept a gift.” Raven jumped out of the bed and walked out the door only to re-enter seconds later. When Clarke opened her eyes, Raven was standing in front of her with a bag extended out to her. Clarke sat up in bed and took the bag. She smiled at Raven, “thank you. For everything. For being a good friend. And mostly, for not giving up on me. I haven’t been the best friend to you, and for that I’m sorry.”  
“I know, I know. I’m a great friend. Now open up.” She said taking a seat next to her.  
Clarke smirked and pulled the tissue paper off the top. Inside was a shirt she had been eyeing in a catalog the other day. Raven must have noticed even though Clarke never said anything. She wanted to get it but told herself she didn’t need it since she never went out anyway.  
“Raven, I don’t know what to say.” She sputtered pulling the black shirt out. She ran her fingers over the lace detailing.  
“You already said thank you. So now all you have to do is shower and get ready. I have a whole day planned for us.” She said rubbing Clarke’s back. “I noticed you were out of your makeup too. So, I restocked it in your bathroom. I’m going to go grab us some coffee. By the time I get back you better be ready.” She smiled and got off the bed. Seconds later she was out the door leaving Clarke to get ready.  
Clarke stood up and went to her bathroom to get ready. On the way there she turned back and looked at her bed. A memory of Roan laying there sleeping swept her memory. She wished she could touch him again. To kiss him. To hold him. But she can’t, so she turned on the shower and stepped in before the waters hot. The cold water snapped her back to reality. A reality without Roan.


	2. Chapter 2

If anyone knew what it was like to lose somebody they loved, it was Raven. Two years ago, her boyfriend was stabbed to death in a robbery gone wrong. Raven blamed herself for a while because she was the one that was supposed to be at the grocery store when it happened. Finn, her high school sweetheart, tried to be a hero and ultimately lost his life because of it. Raven still wasn’t over it. In fact, the two girls have both cried over pints of Ben and Jerry’s watching ‘the Notebook’ one too many times. It was almost comforting that the two of them could relate on some sort of level for their loss. Raven introduced Clarke to Dr. Kesling who she had been seeing now for the last 5 months. It was helping. A little. At least she was showing up for work now.  
Clarke stood there letting the now warm water run down her face. She still remembers that day. Three knocks followed by a, “Miss Griffin? NYPD. Can you open the door please?” Her heart immediately sank. She opened the door to see two officers. A short bald guy and a woman with a grief-stricken face. You could tell she was tired of delivering news to families that would shatter them.  
“Is Roan King your fiancé?” The bald one asked. All Clarke could do was nod. The woman dropped her head and stared at her feet. “I’m sorry Miss Griffin. Roan was involved in a devastating car accident. He didn’t make it.” Clarke clutched her stomach with their unborn baby inside. She felt like she was going to be sick as she dropped to her knees, the officer reached out to catch her.  
“Is there anyone we can call for you, Clarke?” The lady spoke up. But Clarke couldn’t even breathe let alone talk so she shook her head and curled up on the floor. It was only a few days later she woke up covered in blood and in an immense amount of pain. She grew up in a medical family, so she knew what was happening. She called 911 and within the same week she lost the love of her life and their child. The only thing she had left of him.  
She felt responsible. The stress. The depression. It was all too much to bear and her body gave up trying to keep their son alive. She didn’t take care of herself like she should have. The pain of giving birth to a baby she knew was already gone was the most disheartening thing she had ever been through. She wanted to give up so many times. She felt like her heart would explode any moment from the amount of heartache she was going through. The sheer sorrow she felt was unlike any other as she held their little boy and kissed him goodbye. He looked just like Roan except for the blonde tufts of hair. That was all Clarke. She named him Theo, the name Roan kept bringing to the table no matter how many times Clarke turned it down.  
“It sounds like an old man!” She would laugh and shake her head.  
“Well, that’s because it is an old man’s name. My grandpa was old and he made a great looking Theo.” He would retort with a smile. “Theodore is a strong name.”  
She would roll her eyes and smile. Now, she would give anything to go back to that moment and tell him yes, a thousand times over. 

Before Clarke knew it, she heard a knock on the bathroom door. “You’re not ready yet.” Raven sighed.  
“Sorry!” Clarke snapped back from the vivid memory. “I’ll hurry up, I promise.”  
An hour rolled by and Clarke exited the bathroom in a robe. Her hair and makeup were done, all she needed to do was get dressed. The shirt Raven bought was laid out at the end of the bed. She tore the tags off and grabbed a pair of skinny jeans and booties, throwing the outfit together. As she stepped in front of the mirror she couldn’t help but smile. She missed going out with friends. And, Raven was right. Roan wouldn’t want her to be living her life holed up in their lonely apartment.  
“Are you ready for our fun filled day, sunshine?” Raven asked causing Clarke to jump. She extended the iced coffee to her.  
“Geez, Raven. You almost gave me a heart attack. Try not to be a peeping Tom next time.” Clarke grabbed the iced coffee and took a sip. “Thank you.” She said raising her cup to Raven.  
“Now that’s the Clarke I like to see.” The both smiled and headed out of the apartment into the crisp air as snow flurries start to fall.  
Raven surely did have an entire day set up for her and Clarke. The first thing they did was enjoy brunch in the cutest Manhattan cafe. Complete with mimosas, coffee, and the most delicious pumpkin French toast Clarke had ever eaten. Following their meal, they went to a spa where they got mani pedis and massages. Clarke didn’t realize how much she needed this day. By the time they left the spa she felt like an entirely new person.  
“So, we are meeting everybody at the Dutchman. It’s right around the corner.” Raven pointed around the corner.  
“I know where it’s at Reyes. I didn’t lose my brain these last seven months. Just the will to go out and have a life.” Clarke said smiling. Raven managed a small grin. There were times Raven was so worried Clarke had lost her will to live not just have a life.  
“Okay, okay. You’re right.” As they rounded the corner Clarke caught a glimpse of a dark-haired girl jumping up and down waving. Octavia. She shook her head, smiled, and waved back. Octavia was smiling ear to ear. Clarke had missed her so much and seeing her again made her happy. Octavia ran up to the girls and wrapped her arms around Clarke’s neck.  
“You have no idea how happy I am to see you.” Octavia said quietly in Clarke’s ear. Clarke nodded and buried her head into her friend’s hair.  
“Me too.” She said.  
“So, we have a full house tonight from the sound of it.” Octavia said stepping back but still holding onto Clarke’s hands. “Murphy is on his way, Lincoln will meet us a bit later, Monty and Harper are inside, Jasper is already two sheets to the wind in there, and then Bellamy will be by later.” Her voice changed tones, “with his new lovely girlfriend, Echo.” She said mockingly.  
Clarke raised her eyebrows. She didn’t know that Bellamy had gotten a girlfriend. The sound of his name made her stomach flip. Octavia and Bellamy, brother and sister, had been two of Clarke’s best friends since grade school. They grew up together, their apartments being right down the hall from each other. She had always had a slight crush on him growing up, and in high school they dated briefly before he graduated and headed off to college. With Bellamy it had always felt right, and she was convinced he was her forever. Until he broke it off, saying they both needed to live a little, experience life without being side-by-side.  
The break up stung and she took the rest of her high school career to do exactly what he wanted her to do, have meaningless relationships with people, while thinking about what could have been. It wasn’t until two years out of high school, buried deep in her own college textbooks, that she met Roan. A first-year history professor.  
Their relationship first started as a friendship which quickly ignited into a full-blown love affair. They went together seamlessly and it felt more right with him than it ever had with anybody else. They moved in together after just three months of dating. It just made sense. He had been there through everything. When her dad passed away, he was her shoulder to cry on. All the late nights studying for exams. All the long hours put in at work in the ER. He was there for all of it. The highs and the lows.  
But, she always felt like Bellamy was her person. She had come to terms with them never being together. She was happy with Roan. And, it’s not like she felt like she settled. She felt like Roan was her soulmate, and Bellamy was her person. It was simple to her, but probably complicated to everyone else. Like Raven for example, who she previously explained it to.  
“Echo.” Clarke repeated. With that, Raven grabbed Clarke’s arm and they headed inside.


End file.
